There's something you should know about me. I'm a dreamer. I have been for as long as I can remember and part of me hopes I always will be. But right now, being a dreamer is eating me up from the inside out. I set the bar too high for myself and I can't quite meet those expectations.
I had a dream a few nights ago that I had mens genitals. I woke up embarrassed, questioning what on earth was wrong with me. Turns out it means: "I'm having trouble achieving what I want to in life and wish I could be more forceful to attain what I wish." That's me all over. I'm a free spirit, and as much as I make out like I'm a fearless piece of shit, a hell of a lot scares me.
This week I let go of my first love. And I'll tell you what, it hurts like hell. And the shitty part? I couldn't be happy with him, and I'm still not happy without him. Why does life do that to us? He's the one guy in this world I know would do absolutely anything for me. Absolutely anything. And I pushed him away. And for that I hate myself. Not a single fibre of my being feels malice towards him. He's my childhood sweetheart and it's hard to imagine a future with someone else when it was always them that was there.
I feel lost, and I think I've felt lost for a lot longer than I care to admit, through my own doing, nobody else's. But having someone by my side made it slightly more bearable. Now it's just me. Little Lindsey Pritchard with all these whopping great dreams and no idea where to start. Maybe a list would be good. And I don't know if it's the heartache talking, but something tells me our story isn't over yet. I just need to find happiness in myself first.