Sometimes life sucks
There's something you should know about me. I'm a dreamer. I have been for as long as I can remember and part of me hopes I always will be. But right now, being a dreamer is eating me up from the inside out. I set the bar too high for myself and I can't quite meet those expectations.
I had a dream a few nights ago that I had mens genitals. I woke up embarrassed, questioning what on earth was wrong with me. Turns out it means: "I'm having trouble achieving what I want to in life and wish I could be more forceful to attain what I wish." That's me all over. I'm a free spirit, and as much as I make out like I'm a fearless piece of shit, a hell of a lot scares me.
This week I let go of my first love. And I'll tell you what, it hurts like hell. And the shitty part? I couldn't be happy with him, and I'm still not happy without him. Why does life do that to us? He's the one guy in this world I know would do absolutely anything for me. Absolutely anything. And I pushed him away. And for that I hate myself. Not a single fibre of my being feels malice towards him. He's my childhood sweetheart and it's hard to imagine a future with someone else when it was always them that was there.
I feel lost, and I think I've felt lost for a lot longer than I care to admit, through my own doing, nobody else's. But having someone by my side made it slightly more bearable. Now it's just me. Little Lindsey Pritchard with all these whopping great dreams and no idea where to start. Maybe a list would be good. And I don't know if it's the heartache talking, but something tells me our story isn't over yet. I just need to find happiness in myself first.
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Hang in there. Sometimes being scared and unsure of your own happiness is just the first step towards finding the clarity, strength and confidence you need to go out and make your big dreams a reality. It just takes time. Sending lots of virtual hugs and pints of Ben & Jerry's your way. xx
ReplyDeleteaww I'm sorry this is happening to you! don't ever lose hope. There was a time before and there will a time after. The only thing you can do is find yourself! I hope you feel better! <3
ReplyDeleteaww I'm sorry this is happening to you! don't ever lose hope. There was a time before and there will a time after. The only thing you can do is find yourself! I hope you feel better! <3
ReplyDeleteI'm in the same boat (and reading blogs as a distraction). We will be ok. x
ReplyDeleteOh hunni I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time at the moment, everything will work out I'm sure. You need to be happy within yourself before you can help with someone else's happiness in a relationship. Still keep dreaming & never lose hope <3 x
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OH lindsey! let me know when your free and we'll go for a drink. and stop putting yourself down and start living them dreams of yours lady! always here if you need a chat and a moan xo
ReplyDeleteLindsey, I've been subscribed to you for a while, but for some reason I'm just now reading through all your posts. You remind me so much of myself. Sending you love and happiness. You're too sweet and I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. Keep on dreaming though <3<3
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